The Confessions of Santana Lopez
by moonswirl
Summary: Gleekathon, day two hundred and thirteen: She never told anyone what Quinn's pregnancy did to her.


_Started my daily ficlets to make the hiatus pass, then decided to keep going with a second cycle, and then a third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eigth, ninth, and tenth cycle. Now here's cycle 11!_

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**"The Confessions of Santana Lopez"  
Santana  
Companion to "Mission P-Test"  
Part of Confessions Series: Emma, Mike, Artie**

She didn't shake easy. She had grown to be strong and determined and she never let herself get pushed around by anyone… anyone or anything, any idea… never, except for one time.

When she'd found out about it, that Quinn had gone and gotten herself pregnant, she'd started off reacting just as herself. But that was with the others around. It had become another matter when she'd gotten home, where she was by herself… That's when it all went the other way.

She didn't know why, but all of a sudden she'd started to consider the situation. Quinn had always been true to her word. She was the uncontested queen of the celibacy club. Santana thought for sure she'd never see her falter from that throne. But then she'd gone and… stretched her foot just beyond the edge, and then she'd tumbled right off that throne… pregnant.

Santana, she was almost… somewhere in the in-between. Her feet had never been near that throne, even as she became a member of the club, with Quinn and the others. That was an image some accepted and others knew for what it was: show. She wasn't as low on the scale as Quinn had just fallen, and up until then it was like there was a good strong rail all around, and there was no chance for her to fall further down.

One step…

That was all it had taken Quinn. One stupid, misguided step, and down she fell. That idea alone had installed in Santana a horrifying little concept.

What if that was her? What if it happened to her?

Now her trusty and sturdy rail had just gone and proven there could be holes, shaky bars… she could just go and end up crashing through, fall right where Quinn had fallen.

It paralysed her. She didn't move, she didn't want to fall. Suddenly she realized how close she could have been to it, all this time. Sure, she was careful. She wasn't stupid, she knew the risks, but she always figured she was doing everything she had to do.

Accidents happened. Things broke, were forgotten… As careful as she was, things could take a sudden and unexpected turn.

In all that panic, she'd grabbed her things and hit the road, to the store just out of town where she and Brittany had accompanied Quinn a few days before. Dates were swirling in her head… She didn't remember anymore, it was all so mixed up now, she didn't know… What if… what if…

When she got there, she realized it was the same woman at the counter as the last time. She had an even more judgmental look on her face like she remembered her, and the other cheerleader with the same little box. Santana gave her best 'what on earth are you looking at?' and she left with her purchase. She found the bathroom, and she got to it. She'd made it this far, she might as well see it through.

She was not a patient person by nature, but she swore it took an eternity. She was this close to chucking her watch in the trash, but finally the time had elapsed. No big deal, she'd look.

It was negative.

Every kind of tears that didn't involve sadness rushed over her. Relief, joy, and fright… She had the stick still in her grasp as she sat back down.

She was safe on her edge, she hadn't leaned back on shaky railings… and yet she felt a small part of her had and kept falling. Was it luck that kept her back? What if the next time was the one that did her in?

No… no way… it wasn't going to be her. She wasn't going to be that girl. She'd realized it now, so she had a chance to change it, change her ways so she was sure never to fall… not until she was supposed to and wanted it.

It didn't sit well with certain boys at McKinley, to hear her say no. It didn't matter to her, because she knew why she was doing it.

The days had passed, and eventually so had her panic state. She didn't forget about what she'd felt, but she needed to believe she didn't have to live in fear day in and day out or her head would explode. She'd continue to do as she'd done though. She was careful, maybe she'd just be more careful. It certainly was better than the alternative.

THE END


End file.
